Old man tells joke about irs and gambleling. Like and subscribe. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. 'This equipment must be broken!' 'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I am the designated decoy!' Attitude Adjustment. Most importantly, funny jokes — even coronavirus and quarantine jokes — bring us together and help us to feel connected, one pandemic quarantine pod to another. So, while we obviously need to take COVID-19 very seriously, and follow the recommendations from the CDC and the WHO, we also need to laugh. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed. He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

It's a pundemic.

Man Joke Alert Meme

Humor is an essential coping tool for surviving tough times. Shared laughter gives us strength in adversity and can help us feel a bit more in control when the future looks uncertain. And laughter literally makes us stronger. Recent studies have found that a good laugh can boost our dopamine levels and even shore up our immune systems. Most importantly, funny jokes — even coronavirus and quarantine jokes — bring us together and help us to feel connected, one pandemic quarantine pod to another.

So, while we obviously need to take COVID-19 very seriously, and follow the recommendations from the CDC and the WHO, we also need to laugh. We could all use a few moments in the day that feel lighter, and a well-timed pandemic joke might just take your mind off the apocalypse-adjacent state of the world and serve as a reminder that there’s always something, however small, to smile about. From convos with pets to lock down spins on the classic knock-knocks, here are some of the funniest quarantine, COVID-19, pandemic, and virus jokes on the internet.

Funniest Quarantine Jokes

1. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
2. Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”
3. Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
4. My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
5. Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.
6. My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
7. After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
8. If I keep stress-eating at this level, the buttons on my shirt will start socially distancing from each other.
9. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
10. Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent. Then it Dawned on me.
11. Being quarantined with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder
12. I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch them with a six-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
13. The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.
14. Since we’re all in quarantine I guess we’ll be making only inside jokes from now on.
15. I’m not talking to myself, I’m having a parent-teacher conference.
16. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog–we laughed a lot.
17. Nothing like relaxing on the couch after a long day of being tense on the couch.
18. I finished Netflix today.
19. Pollen still coming out during a global pandemic? Bitch read the room.
20. – Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 6 meters to social distance.
21. Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

Funniest Coronavirus Jokes

1. Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….
2. You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.
3. What’s the best way to avoid touching your face? A glass of wine in each hand.
4. If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?
5. What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.
6. What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst-kase scenario.
7. Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough.
8. You know who buys up all the toilet paper? Assholes.
9. Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.
10. Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.
11. What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.
12. The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.
13. I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
14. Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.
15. What do you tell yourself when you wake up late for work and realize you have a fever? Self, I so late.
16. Still no toilet paper in the stores. They’re wiped out and you’re shit out of luck.
17. So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.
18. What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.
19. If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.
20. Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.
21. I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.
22. Yeah, I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.
23. Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.
24. 30 days hath September, April, June, and November, all the rest have 31, except for March which was infinite.
25. What types of jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes!
26. You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
27. What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.
28. Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!

It's been said that 'Laughter IS the Best Medicine.' Nothing works faster or is more dependable to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.Here's to living a longer, healthier, and happier life!

Married Four Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. 'He's a funeral director,' she answered. 'Interesting,' the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it...)

- She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

(Oh, just hush-up now and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.) ha!

A Perfect Marriage?

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

Man Joke Alert Meaning

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said. 'That's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind.But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year. He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back. Guess he was embarrassed.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly,painfully, uponto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, 'Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear? ' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.'

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks andim on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, 'What was that for?' She says, 'I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it.' He says, 'Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on.' She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, 'What was that for?' She answers, 'Your horse called.'

You'll love this one!! An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, 'Pull, Nellie, pull!' Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, 'Pull, Buster, pull!' Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, 'Pull, Coco, pull!' Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, 'Pull, Buddy, pull!' And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, 'Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!'

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few thingswhen he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. 'Pardon me,' she said, 'I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.' 'I'm very sorry,' replied the young man, 'is there anything I can do for you?' 'Yes,' she said, 'As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better.' 'Sure,' answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, 'Goodbye, Mother!' As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. 'How can that be?' He asked, 'I only purchased a few things!' 'Your mother said that you would pay for her,' said the clerk.

A man buys a parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, 'I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness.'
The man says, 'Well, thank you. I forgive you.'
The parrot then says, 'If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?'

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening at church service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, 'STOP! ACTS 2:38!' (Repent and be baptized, in the name of the lord, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell scripture at you.'
'SCRIPTURE?!' replied the burglar, 'She said she had an AXE and TWO 38's!

BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE -A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, 'I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.' The distressed woman wailed, 'Are you sure?' 'Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,' replied the vet.

'How can you be so sure?' she protested. 'I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.'

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.'

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. '$150!' she cried, '$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet shrugged, 'I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.'

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, ' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! ! 'You know, ' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '

Man Joke Alert Signs

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left thetable and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,

'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Lincoln, a young man, wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Lucy something nice for their fifth wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone and he explains all the features on the phone.

The next day, Lucy goes shopping. Her phone rings and its Lincoln: 'Hi honey', he says 'how do you like your new phone?'

And she replies: 'I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though'.

'What's that, baby?' asks the husband.

'How did you know I was at Wal Mart?' asked Lucy.

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance!?'

God replied, 'My child, I am sorry, I didn't even recognize you!

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'I forgot her name about 10 years ago.'

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